I wanted to post a response I had to someone who messaged me trying to tell me that I don’t know what true submission is. We had been messaging back and forth a bit. It had been obvious that what he is looking for is a TPE and/or domestic discipline type of relationship. All I said was that the TPE/domesticity wasn’t my cuppa. He responded with, “Hmm…seems like you are into rough, kinky sex and not true submission.”
Sorry, huh?? Just because my ideas of submission don’t gel with the type of girl you want means I am not a sub? Does that make sense to you?
Here’s my response:
“I think you are aware that submission comes in many different forms. I enjoy submitting sexually but I’m not looking for a TPE. I don’t want someone else making my decisions for me: what I wear, eat, etc. I believe that I’m my own person and I want to learn from my own mistakes.
That in no way means that I don’t enjoy being disciplined for behaving badly so long as it stays “in the bedroom,” so to speak. I also enjoy domestic activities such as cooking, baking, organizing, DIY projects, etc. But I want those things to be something I choose to do. If I’m being forced to do these things every day, I would stop enjoying them so much.
It’s true – I do enjoy rough, kinky sex. I’m not too shy to admit that. But I am also naturally submissive. I like making people happy and seeing them smile. And in bed, I like pleasing a man. I enjoy doing (most) things that he enjoys because he derives pleasure from it. Ideally, submission means putting everything I have into the hands of another and trusting him to take me where I need to go. Even if I had no clue I needed to go there. But with that being said, some subs enjoy submitting this way both in life/bed, just in bed, and sometimes just in life (there are slaves/subs used solely for domestic purposes.) I enjoy submitting only in bed. I completely respect those who can have a successful TPE but that life isn’t something I want for myself.
I’m a bit insulted by your insinuation that I have no idea what submission is. Because the thing is, the definition of true submission will vary depending on the sub you talk to. And that’s one beautiful thing of D/s. It means something different to everyone. It doesn’t fit into a nice neat column.
But to answer your question in short: No, I’m not only into rough, kinky sex. I have always defined myself as a sub and will continue to do so.”
Ugh… just had to get that out there. I don’t want to throw stones but how can someone call themselves Dominant and not realize that submission comes in different forms? I’m a little frustrated by this.
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So of course he responded to this message.
“One of you last emails goes on about being independent and wanting to be independent, which by definition contradicts submissive, no?? I think you are just fairly new to the lifestyle and not quite sure what you want.”
“I don’t think that wanting to be independent has anything at all to do with submission. A submissive doesn’t have to rely on her Dom for everything. I’ve been involved in this lifestyle for over seven years. I know what I want. Just because it doesn’t gel with what you want doesn’t mean I don’t know what submission means or that I’m new to the lifestyle. Let’s not beat a dead horse and just agree to disagree on the matter and definition of submission, mmk?”
“I was hesitant because f your age and I was right. I have been your age and appreciate your viewpoint…but it will take time fr you to appreciate mine.”
“I talked to one of my former students yesterday. She reminds me a lot of what youhave portrayed about yourself. Was never attracted to her, but I like seeing her successful after giving her some guidance.”
Okay, it’s official. This guy thinks I’m straight stupid. Trying to tell me that because of my age I don’t understand real submission and that I will understand when I get older. HUH?! I’m sorry but last time I checked I didn’t just fall off the back of the turnip truck. I have been involved in the lifestyle for over seven years, despite my age. And guess what? I will NEVER appreciate your view of submission. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t understand it. But I will never appreciate it and it will never be my view of submission.
And then that second thing he sent? Saying that one of his “former students” reminds him of me. But he was “never attracted to her” and “his guidance” helped her become successful. Whoa this guy crossed so many lines with me. I wanted so badly to message back but I am just going to delete the messages and take the high road here.
You know, I just think it’s funny because he says I have no idea what submission is and yet he wants to control his future subs duties around the house, etc. and says he’s not into TPE. Yah, okay, buddy.
I posted the first half of this blog post on another site I belong to and I received a wonderful message. The Dom who messaged me shared with me this fabulous analogy: “I always like to remind people that Submissive’s are like apples, grapes, oranges, pears etc. They are all different yet still all fruit :)”
Thank you, Sir! The above sums up completely what took me this entire blog post to illustrate. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It’s one of the things I absolutely adore about the BDSM lifestyle. We are different people with different kinks/fetishes/likes/theories. And yet we all want the same thing: happiness with a partner(s) who complete the missing pieces inside of us.
I do realize this post was totally all over the place. But what is a blog for if not for venting, right guys?
In other news, I shopped at the flea market with a girlfriend today and came home with a Meatloaf CD. It was hot hot hot this week-end on the east coast! How did everyone else fare this week-end?
Till later –
BB
PS – I still hold out hope that one day I’ll be updating this blog with news that I had a good experience with a guy/Dom! LOL. Keep the faith, readers!
The Mis-Adventures of Blackbird 
Good for you, for having the nerve to stand up for yourself and your beliefs.
I will say that there is a difference between ‘power exchange’ (all BDSM relationships have some sort of power exchange, it’s the level that varies) and ‘Total Power Exchange’ (TPE), and, like individuals vary, definitions of terms are as varied as those who use them, and in my personal opinion, TPE is a term for ‘slavery’, not ‘submission’.
When you shared with him whatever it is you shared that made him realize that your level of power exchange was not on par with his, what he should have said was,
“I can see that we are seeking different things in a partner, and I obviously want more control than you are comfortable giving. While this is all okay, I feel it is important to share that unless the power exchange level you’re seeking changes at some point in time, the two of us would not be a good match in the lifestyle, outside of friendship.”
Easy-peasy, politely dealt with, and doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth about him. No one has the right to tell another that they are not a ‘true’ anything, Dom or sub. Locally, we have a joke about ‘twue’ Doms (the ones who say everyone not fitting into their ideal are not ‘true’ D or s)
When you get replies like these, I believe the best way to handle them (although I know it make you furious!) is to reply “Thank you for letting me know by your reply that you could never be the right Dominant for me. I wish you luck in your search for a ‘true’ submissive.”
Then block his sorry behind 😉
People like him are searching for the ‘cookie-cutter’ submissives I posted about just this morning.
~A
PS- I have no doubt that the day will come that you share with us that you have found someone who fits you well, and he will indeed, because you are clear about what you’re searching for, and don’t ‘settle’ for less than you want and deserve. 🙂
Thank you so much! What a wonderful response to my post. 🙂
Completely agree with your comment about the “twue” Doms, LOL. There are way too many of them out there. And I’m definitely going to use that reply in the future.
Keep visiting and have a great rest of your week!!
BB
I’ll keep visiting, and you keep sticking to your guns. As tempting as it is to settle for less than what we know we deserve, just to say we have ‘something’, in the end, it’s not worth it. Trust me, I’ve been there; in both the vanilla AND lifestyle world.
OmiGAWD I love this post! I avoided interacting with other people in the lifestyle for years because of the “you’re too young to know how to be a ‘twue Dominant'” crap. Now I’m in my late twenties, so that mindset really doesn’t come up anymore.
But I love this post, and I can relate so much with it! I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m not a “twue Dominant” because I do all the housework, child-raising, etc, while my sub doesn’t have to lift a finger.
Uh, hello? I’m a stay-at-home mom and a napoleonic power-monger. Not only is my housecleaning and spawn-rearing my way of contributing to our family, but I like having things done a certain way. Some people think I’m not a real Domme because I do the dishes, but I insist on loading the dishwasher a certain way (it’s not different, it’s WRONG, dammit!) and my boy knows to stay the hell out of my kitchen.
Don’t let other people tell you what your submission should be. Any man who does is showing you that he’s not worthy of your time or respect. And just FYI, there are those of us Dom/mes out there who actually prefer an independent, confident, assertive sub. My boy would’ve bored me to death long ago if he was the type of submissive this boy-who-calls-himself-a-Dom in your message described. Seriously, who has the time for that kind of micromanaging? Who wouldn’t be bored stupid within weeks because there are no disagreements, no conflicting opinions, no debates, nothing to challenge either partner mentally, emotionally, or intellectually? The thought of that type of relationship makes me shudder. I couldn’t stand it.
Domina Jen – thank you so much for the comment. It means so much to see that others feel the same way I do.
I love that you’re a Domme but also a stay at home mom! The BDSM lifestyle is amazing because it allows us to be exactly who we want to be. Sometimes you come across a few people who just don’t “get it” but to them I say Have a Nice Day! (as Bon Jovi would say…)
I will keep on searching for my perfect mate, one who appreciates my feisty-ness.
Keep visiting, you’re always welcome!
-BB