I wanted to post a response I had to someone who messaged me trying to tell me that I don’t know what true submission is. We had been messaging back and forth a bit. It had been obvious that what he is looking for is a TPE and/or domestic discipline type of relationship. All I said was that the TPE/domesticity wasn’t my cuppa. He responded with, “Hmm…seems like you are into rough, kinky sex and not true submission.”
Sorry, huh?? Just because my ideas of submission don’t gel with the type of girl you want means I am not a sub? Does that make sense to you?
Here’s my response:
“I think you are aware that submission comes in many different forms. I enjoy submitting sexually but I’m not looking for a TPE. I don’t want someone else making my decisions for me: what I wear, eat, etc. I believe that I’m my own person and I want to learn from my own mistakes.
That in no way means that I don’t enjoy being disciplined for behaving badly so long as it stays “in the bedroom,” so to speak. I also enjoy domestic activities such as cooking, baking, organizing, DIY projects, etc. But I want those things to be something I choose to do. If I’m being forced to do these things every day, I would stop enjoying them so much.
It’s true – I do enjoy rough, kinky sex. I’m not too shy to admit that. But I am also naturally submissive. I like making people happy and seeing them smile. And in bed, I like pleasing a man. I enjoy doing (most) things that he enjoys because he derives pleasure from it. Ideally, submission means putting everything I have into the hands of another and trusting him to take me where I need to go. Even if I had no clue I needed to go there. But with that being said, some subs enjoy submitting this way both in life/bed, just in bed, and sometimes just in life (there are slaves/subs used solely for domestic purposes.) I enjoy submitting only in bed. I completely respect those who can have a successful TPE but that life isn’t something I want for myself.
I’m a bit insulted by your insinuation that I have no idea what submission is. Because the thing is, the definition of true submission will vary depending on the sub you talk to. And that’s one beautiful thing of D/s. It means something different to everyone. It doesn’t fit into a nice neat column.
But to answer your question in short: No, I’m not only into rough, kinky sex. I have always defined myself as a sub and will continue to do so.”
Ugh… just had to get that out there. I don’t want to throw stones but how can someone call themselves Dominant and not realize that submission comes in different forms? I’m a little frustrated by this.
So of course he responded to this message.
“One of you last emails goes on about being independent and wanting to be independent, which by definition contradicts submissive, no?? I think you are just fairly new to the lifestyle and not quite sure what you want.”
“I don’t think that wanting to be independent has anything at all to do with submission. A submissive doesn’t have to rely on her Dom for everything. I’ve been involved in this lifestyle for over seven years. I know what I want. Just because it doesn’t gel with what you want doesn’t mean I don’t know what submission means or that I’m new to the lifestyle. Let’s not beat a dead horse and just agree to disagree on the matter and definition of submission, mmk?”
“I was hesitant because f your age and I was right. I have been your age and appreciate your viewpoint…but it will take time fr you to appreciate mine.”
“I talked to one of my former students yesterday. She reminds me a lot of what youhave portrayed about yourself. Was never attracted to her, but I like seeing her successful after giving her some guidance.”
Okay, it’s official. This guy thinks I’m straight stupid. Trying to tell me that because of my age I don’t understand real submission and that I will understand when I get older. HUH?! I’m sorry but last time I checked I didn’t just fall off the back of the turnip truck. I have been involved in the lifestyle for over seven years, despite my age. And guess what? I will NEVER appreciate your view of submission. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t understand it. But I will never appreciate it and it will never be my view of submission.
And then that second thing he sent? Saying that one of his “former students” reminds him of me. But he was “never attracted to her” and “his guidance” helped her become successful. Whoa this guy crossed so many lines with me. I wanted so badly to message back but I am just going to delete the messages and take the high road here.
You know, I just think it’s funny because he says I have no idea what submission is and yet he wants to control his future subs duties around the house, etc. and says he’s not into TPE. Yah, okay, buddy.
I posted the first half of this blog post on another site I belong to and I received a wonderful message. The Dom who messaged me shared with me this fabulous analogy: “I always like to remind people that Submissive’s are like apples, grapes, oranges, pears etc. They are all different yet still all fruit :)”
Thank you, Sir! The above sums up completely what took me this entire blog post to illustrate. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It’s one of the things I absolutely adore about the BDSM lifestyle. We are different people with different kinks/fetishes/likes/theories. And yet we all want the same thing: happiness with a partner(s) who complete the missing pieces inside of us.
I do realize this post was totally all over the place. But what is a blog for if not for venting, right guys?
In other news, I shopped at the flea market with a girlfriend today and came home with a Meatloaf CD. It was hot hot hot this week-end on the east coast! How did everyone else fare this week-end?
Till later –
PS – I still hold out hope that one day I’ll be updating this blog with news that I had a good experience with a guy/Dom! LOL. Keep the faith, readers!