Rest in Peace

Oh, so much to tell. (Someday I’ll update this blog more than once every 30-60 days…)

Since the last we spoke, I’ve gone on vacation, gotten very ill, gotten a little better, little ill again, had stress breakdown over course of a week, started a diet, broke the diet (lasted 1.5 days,) and met with an academics counselor.

I’ll start at the beginning.

Vacation, all I ever wanted…vacation, had to get awaaayyy…♪

Vacation was great. It was perfect. There were some bumps here and there (of course there1378127_10201386678363962_1177675413_n will be going with 9 members of your family) but other than those, it was fun. If I hadn’t mentioned previously, we went to Orlando, Florida. We had a jam-packed week with Discovery Cove, Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, Aquatica, Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights, and SeaWorld.

Some quick thoughts – I thought Discovery Cove was only so-so. We paid about $250 per person to enjoy an all-inclusive day of swimming with dolphins, snorkeling, swimming in the lazy river, and drinking. It just wasn’t worth it. It only took a half day to enjoy everything. Plus they didn’t start serving alcohol until 1378813_10201386615762397_611264273_n11AM. I mean, I’m no drunk but I’m on vacation and you’re an all-inclusive resort. Let’s get it on a little earlier. The dolphin thing was fun, though. They’re such smart and pretty things.

I’ve been to Universal twice before but favorite rides were: Harry Potter, The Incredible Hulk, The Mummy, and Transformers. Fun, fun, fun. I was a little nervous because a lot of reviews online said that women with bigger chests couldn’t fit in the seat. But I was able to ride everything I wanted to, so I was happy. 64229_10201387020732521_1334455478_n

The Halloween Horror Nights was another big attraction. WOW – it was great! We had fast passes so we were able to go through every house (except Evil Dead) and we also had time to see Bill and Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure. The show was absolutely hysterical and so up to date with all the pop culture references. Loved it. I thought the scariest houses were Cabin Fever and American Werewolf in London. I am a huge scaredy cat and it was a big deal for me to go in the houses. I think I bruised my poor mother’s shoulders by the end of the night from grabbing onto them. I also screamed absolute BLOODY murder the entire night. Even though I burst into tears after the first house, I actually had a fabulous time.

After vacation, I was home for about 2 days before I got seriously sick. I went into w1391681_10201386629042729_1515716691_nork Wednesday with an awful sore throat (and I work in a call center – not good) and ended up vomiting in my trash can in my cubicle. Not my finest moment. So I went home. Stayed home Thursday sick, worked through Friday sick. Went to the walk-in on Saturday where the nurse prescribed lidocaine for my throat but said she didn’t think I had strept but instead a viral infection.

I took a ton of Motrin for the pain since the lidocaine was shit (and it tasted disgusting) but my sore throat would not go away. So after work on Monday I went to my primary physician where she proceeded to tell me she thought it looked like I had strept throat.

“I see you have some white spots on your tonsils.”

I stare awkwardly. “I don’t have tonsils.”

“You don’t have tonsils?”

“No, I had them removed in fourth grade.”

“Oh. Hm…”

So we come to find out (at least she believes) that my tonsils have grown back. Which if I’m playing Detective BB means maybe that’s the reason for my constant sore throats this year.

Anyway – she prescribes me Penicillan. I get home. And before taking the meds, I take off my clothes.


I check my legs. Hives. My arms. Hives.

I took benedryl & went to bed. During work the next day, the rash/hives spread to my face. In a nutshell – the rash hasn’t gone away. It comes and goes. If I take 2 benny’s (yup we’re so close now I gave him a nickname) before bed, the rash seems to stay gone for approximately one day before they return. Weird. I think stress induced.

Which brings me to stress. Why do we have such stress? Why can’t life be full of butterflies and rainbows? Dancing penguins in tuxedos? I just don’t get it…

Look, long story short: I know pretty much every middle-class person has financial stress. It sucks. I get that. But your own stress always feels worse than the next person’s stress. I just feel like if I work my ass off at my job, I deserve to be appreciated for it! Don’t you?! So I had a small emotional breakdown after over-spending at the grocery store and realizing that I will only have about $4.00 in my checking account until next payday. Where the cycle will repeat.

And that breakdown led to my second breakdown which is that my co-workers with degrees in fucking Criminal Justice make more money than I do. I sell insurance for fuck’s sake! How can you tell me that a Criminal Justice major deserves more green than me?! I work just as hard (if not HARDER) than these idiots with degrees.

Which led me to research my companies tuition reimbursement program. And I ended up meeting today with an academics counselor. So BB goes to school.

I was talking to my mother yesterday and I said something that I think will become my mission statement for the next several years:

I want to be a leech to this company. I want to move to a job and suck every last bit of knowledge and experience from it before I move on to another position. I want to become the most marketable individual so that when I finally leave the company to do something I actually want to do, I have a better shot of getting my foot in the door.

It might not sound very pretty – but it’s true. And it’s what I have to do in order to be successful. Do you think sitting still for the next fifteen years is going to make me the big bucks? NO. I have to move. Constantly. Add a Bachelor’s degree to the mix? I’m gold, baby.

So it can’t be done tomorrow or the next day. Or even next year. Maybe not even the next three years. But it can be done. Will I still bitch about my finances? Yup. But so will you. And you deserve to. Because it sucks to work hard and not make what you deserve.

I told you I had a lot to talk about! I give a gold medal to anyone who actually read this.

I skipped the diet stuff that I mentioned back in paragraph one but you get the picture. Same ole shit.

How’s your life going?


PS. Any Angel/Buffy fans still out there? I’ve been re-watching both shows. (Right now, primarily focused on Angel – then BtVS.)

Just for fun: Here’s one of the better songs from the musical Buffy episode, Once More with Feeling. James Marsters is so beautiful and needs to work more so I can make moon eyes over him.



Get Used to (Low-Fat) Vanilla

Ah, one month later. Here I am. Jeez, if I keep posting such boring vanilla entries I’m bound to lose readers. Well, I hope you stay with me ’cause this blog is going to get real nilla before it gets kinky again.

I’ve decided that it’s time to focus on me. No matter how long that takes – before I focus on finding a man. As they say, nobody is going to love me like I want until I love myself. I’ve been off my diet now for a couple months and it’s gotten to the point where I can literally see the weight I’ve gained in my face.

For the sake of my health and sanity I need to buckle down on this thing. Since forever I’ve been dieting, falling off the horse, dieting, falling off, dieting, falling, dieting, falling… it seems like it’s a never ending cycle. One thing that stays constant is the fact that I keep trying. I’d like to say that’s all that matters. Unfortunately, one of these times I’m going to have to succeed in this venture to lose weight and change my lifestyle.

Portions are getting bigger, jeans are getting tighter, and my skin is starting to feel oily. So yeah, considering the fact that I feel pretty damn disgusting, I’d say it’s time I did something about it….again.

Only problem being is that vacation is only 7 days from now. This will only ruin my routine if I start now. So I’ve got 7 days to figure out something new and different for my routine when I get back from vacay. I’ll keep you posted.

And as much as I know it’s infinitely more interesting to read about juicy sex than dieting progress, I fear dear readers that I won’t be able to provide those details for the next year or so. I’m resigned to the fact that losing weight and changing your lifestyle isn’t something that happens in a few days or months. When you have 100+ pounds to lose like I do, I’ll be lucky if it only takes a year.

So I’m going to throw myself into loving me, taking care of me… and then maybe the right guy will step into my path. And I won’t have to go hunting for him.


Annnndddd on a much lighter note, my vacation is coming soon, soon, soon. Can NOT wait. I’m actually looking forward to work this week so I can beat the fuck out of it and get it over with. Then it’s fun time for about a week and a half!

As always, thanks for reading.


James Spader and Other Tidbits

So this is my first time posting from the WordPress app on my phone so excuse any spelling or grammatical errors.

So I’m sure you guys are all seeing the gazillions of previews for NBCs new falk show The Blacklist. I think it looks like it has the potential to be a good one but what’s more than that is James Spader stars in it. Yuuuummmy. He’s still sexy even without hair.

I always watched Pretty in Pink as a kid and found him attractive and then after Secretary, forget it. I think it’s the voice. Anyway…I’ll be tuning in this Fall.

Moving on from Mr. Spader, I think it’s ironic that I just posted about my first love and two nights ago I heard from him on Facebook.  Does anyone else hear from their exes once every few months like I do? Or am I just that irresistible? So we talked a little bit and basically I told him that I’m not waiting around but the ball is in his court and I’m open to discussing the possibility of trying again. I’m pretty okay with not being with him, but am I open to it? Sure.

I hope soon I’ll be able to update you all with juicy sex stories but I’ve been steering clear of the dating sites lately. Happy Friday, all. Enjoy the weekend.


Young Love

Happy Thursday, readers. I know, I know, it’s been too long. Truth be told, I had no intention of updating the blog tonight but I was suddenly struck by thoughts I need to get out on “paper.”

I was watching one of my favorite MTV shows, Catfish. This show resonates with me so much for several reasons. One, I am a sucker for a happily ever after. Despite the fact that most of the episodes seem to end in failure/betrayal, I always hold out hope for a love connection. Two, I understand the insecurity that these catfish have. They’re not usually evil villains – quite the opposite, usually. These young people need to be saved, they need someone to love them for them. It’s unfortunate that they go about this the wrong way but I can see how they could escape to the internet for what they need. And three, I have always been an online dater. I’ve never been a catfish, nor do I wish to ever be. I’m looking for something real and how can you build a solid & real relationship by starting off lying? Just doesn’t work.

So I looked up the one happy Catfish ending on YouTube (what? It makes me happy to watch, sue me!) which led me to discover these “Meeting My ________ For the First Time” videos. I had no idea these existed. Basically, for those of you who don’t know, these videos consist of younger people who have been in LDR for a certain length of time and they’re meeting for the first time in person. I got so emotional watching these, even though most have probably ended in broken hearts…..

Story time…

When I was only 13 years old I met a boy on the AOL message boards (remember those?) We IM-ed back and forth a couple of times and this boy constantly said how his brother was getting on his case about talking to a stranger online. After a week or two, I was instant messaged by his brother who let loose on me about how irresponsible I was, etc. etc. Within minutes the conversation turned friendly, and then sexual. I forgot all about the first brother and fell head over heels for the second one. We started talking on the phone every night. But my young love was not very long lasting.

After approximately a month, his parents found out he was talking to me and we cut ties. I was miserable and depressed for months.

Eventually life goes on, as it has a tendency to do. Fast forward three years. I am sixteen, I walk in the door after work one night and my mom tells me I have a message. I don’t recognize the name or number but curiosity killed the cat (and the BB) so I called the number. He answered and after a confusing couple minutes I discovered it was him.

We picked up as if we’d never been away from each other. His voice was wonderful and familiar and I was consumed immediately by the affection I felt for him. We talked every night, the chemistry was even more intense, and our feelings grew stronger every day. After a couple of months, I picked him up at the airport and met him for the first time. Our relationship was like a storybook romance to me. He visited once more after that, took me to my prom, and proposed to me.

I visited him in his home state and then finally made the decision to turn down my first choice college and move to him. I left friends, family, my job, my life for him. (If anyone is following my age, I’m 18 at this point.) I lived and worked with him for fifteen months. The break-up was just as intense as the beginning of our romance. In hindsight, he wasn’t ready for what I was. I’ve always wanted to settle down, have kids, a family, work hard and be happy. He never got to be a teenager. We went at it so hard and so fast, I can’t blame him for wanting to know what it was like to be a kid.

The reason for my story? I’ll be twenty-four in October. And looking back, my time with this boy was the happiest I’ve ever been. Talking to him every night on the phone. Sending him stupid selfies. Having movie/date night by saying, “1…2…3…play!” and clicking the play button at the same time. Him visiting. My time living with him. It was the happiest I’ve ever been.

Why? I had no money, had to learn independence faster than any other 18 year old I know. I dealt with debt, responsibility, caring for others, planning and cooking meals, working two jobs, living halfway across the country without my family. And yet… I was truly happy there. I was happiest from 16-19.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I don’t regret my decision to come home. But I wish we could have worked it out. Because I was happy.

Now whether it was him that made me happy? I don’t know. I think it was the young love. It felt freeing even if life wasn’t so much. I felt…carefree. So yeah, seeing these “Meeting my…” videos make me feel jealousy. But they also make me remember what it’s like to be in that position. To have the whole world in front of you and know (at least in that moment) that you can get through absolutely anything as long as you’re holding his hand.

I continue to hold out hope that one day, despite what my age might be, I will find someone who makes me feel young love again.

Tonight I leave you feeling a little reminiscent…sad…thoughtful…and above all, hopeful.


Blind Date

Happy Friday!

I meant to post a lot sooner than this about my most recent dating experience. But I’ve just been completely sapped of energy lately. Welp, here it is. Let’s just say that this blog is aptly named. Misadventures is right.

So here’s what went down. I was messaged last week (after the whole ex-one night stand fiasco) by a guy on the “nilla” site that I’m on. His message was thoughtful and sincere so I messaged him back even though my initial reaction upon seeing his profile wasn’t very positive. Why, you ask? He just wasn’t my type. But I overlooked it and we shared a few very platonic messages back and forth before moving to Yahoo IM.

I still was wishy washy on my feelings because while I wasn’t quite physically attracted to him, we had great conversation. So to make a long story short, I ended up going out with him last Saturday for brunch. I’ve never been on a date where I walked into the building and immediately wanted to turn around. Harsh? Definitely. But I’m nothing if not honest.

I’m also nothing if not kind. Despite how I might come off sometimes. So alas, I stayed for brunch and then on top of that I also stayed to walk through the book store. The conversation was…a bit one-sided. I seemed to keep having to come up with new topics for discussion or questions to ask. This is going to sound so silly. Really, really silly. But here it is.

I finally realized we had nothing in common when I walked in and saw him wearing mismatching plaid on plaid. Who does that?? I am FAR from perfect but I couldn’t take my eyes off him…and not in the good way. But this only made me realize (along with the dreadful conversation) that I shouldn’t have to settle for a guy I’m not into just because he’s nice. One day I’ll find someone who is nice, and lovely but also who is outgoing, tall, handsome, responsible, funny, and oh so charming.

Then the hardest part. I had to let him know it was a no go. I’ve always been the one to be hurt. I’ve never had to experience hurting someone and it does put me in the shoes of some of my former partners. But I did it, respectfully. It sucked, but he’s better off with someone who isn’t going to want to drag him outside or to dinner or to the park, or…you get where I’m going here, right?

So there it is! More boring love life information from BB.

But the good news is….it’s FRIDAY! Everyone have a super week-end,


The Twilight Zone

Cue the music. Because earlier this week I was in the Twilight Zone.

So remember my one night stand from a couple months ago? Well. Here’s the story. On Thursday night my e-mail app on my iPad randomly started working again after being broken for two months. So apparently it send all the e-mails that had failed from two months back. One of which happened to be from the one nighter. Oh, fuck.

So I woke up Friday morning to an e-mail saying how he was sad I had “disappeared” on him. Okay, huh, what? Did I miss something? I tried to continue on with the relationship and got all the wrong signals. So instead of being that crazy stalker chick, I dropped it and treated it like it was: a one night stand.

Anyway to make a long story short, because I really genuinely did like him, when he asked me out tonight I said sure. Just text me the details. And have I heard from him yet? Nope. LOL.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And you.

At least now I’m not totally confused about the whole thing and I know he was and is just after one thing.

BUT, that’s not all! On Friday night (the SAME day this one gets in touch with me, mind you) I get a message from my only other one night stand. I did sleep with someone shortly after my very first long term relationship ended on a bad note. In a way, it was totally therapeutic for me. But I never wanted to hear from him again. And here he is messaging me about how he wished we would have hooked up again, he liked my boobs, etc. I mean, c’mon guys.

So yeah, it was raining exes this week for me.

In other news…………..

I am literally trying so so so hard not to start counting down until my vacatioHilton-Grand-Vacations-Club-at-Seaworld-International-Center-Swimming-Pooln. I’m feeling super crispy and getting so sick of talking to people about insurance all day long (have I mentioned I sell insurance?) People are starting to piss me off and I’m losing my patience for these callers. I haven’t had more than a week-end off since last September. But in approximately three months I’ll be relaxing poolside, swimming with the dolphins, and riding the roller coasters in Orlando, FL. with my whole family! I’m psyched. I’ll make sure to include a photo of where we’re staying so you guys can be nice and jealous! I’ve decided to force myself to wait until July 29th to start the official countdown.

And in further news: My diet and exercise routine seems to finally be working out. I’ve lost 6.8 pounds in the last seven days and since I started being healthy a total of about 8 pounds. It’s slow going but progress is progress and I do feel happier and less stressed than before so I am going to just keep plugging away at it.

Hope everyone is well.


PS. Just finished a book called A Captive in the Dark. If you’re into a little non-con or kidnapping fantasy or even if you just like a good mindfuck, check it out. It’s only 99 cents on Amazon and had my eyes glued to just about every page.




Broke ‘Fatty’

Here’s why I don’t like responding to those I’m not interested in:

A 50 year old man sends me a message which is very nice and seemingly well thought out. It goes into my bulk mail (since I have it set for anyone 40+ to be sent there) and after reading it I felt like even though he was out of my age range, he seemed to be sincere in his message. I responded with the following.

Thank you for the message. You’re out of my age range but I always welcome new friends. 🙂

And now I have this lovely response in my bulk folder from him: “No thanks. I don’t need some uneducated fatty for a ‘friend’…”

Now, usually I just ignore these idiots. But in this situation, my profile quite clearly states that I am a BBW/curvy girl. So if he doesn’t want a “fatty” for a friend then I can only assume that his first sincere message to me was not so sincere after all but a copy/paste that he chooses to send to many women, hoping for a bite.

When I message someone, if he’s not interested in me, I get the message when he doesn’t respond. There’s no need for me to read a message saying he’s not interested. Which is why I usually don’t send those messages out. I have read on a lot of profiles though that it seems men would prefer a “no, thanks” versus no response at all. So for those who do put that extra effort into the message or for those who seem nice and/or sincere, I sometimes do respond (out of respect) to let them know I received and appreciated the message but am not interested.

To this gentleman I say: Thanks for making my night! Now please go fuck yourself. But before you do that, you old cock-sucking piece of shit prick, hear this: next time you message a 23 year old woman make sure she’s your type. Now go call the AARP. Geriatric fuck.

^ See what a fucking bitch I can be?

I’ve been “online dating” on and off since I was probably too young to do so. I’ve had my fair share of insults thrown my way. Being a bigger girl, I’ve had them said to my face too. I usually do a good job of ignoring them. But I gotta say – this particular insult comes at an awful time.

See, over the past couple of weeks I’ve been counting calories, eating healthier, and doing the treadmill every day (30 min every weekday and 1hr on the weekends.) I haven’t lost a pound.

Between not being able to lose any weight, my financial situation, being a little lonely, and work, I’m stressed to the max. I try not to think about it but every time I turn around it seems to be something else, something else. It’s incredibly frustrating.

I pose to my readers this question: how would you do it? I mean, losing weight right now is really important. I’ve got the treadmill. But I don’t have a lot of money. As much as I’d love to, I can’t grocery shop for fresh veggies 2x a week. Does anyone have any advice for food? Some background if it will help: I live alone and try to only grocery shop once every two weeks…my grocery budget is pretty stressed- about $75 every two weeks.

Any advice, suggestions, or help would be seriously appreciated in the exercise/food shopping/health/losing weight departments.

Happy hump day, guys.


The Girl Behind the Bird

Hi, guys! *waves*

I know it’s been a few days. To be completely honest, I’ve taken a step back a little bit from my online search for love. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve “bumped” my adverts but the only messages I get come from those who are too far away, too old, or just too damn stupid…or all three. Jeez, I mean, where is my Romeo? I’m not exactly frustrated over it. I am not too naïve to understand that an online “search for the one” in more cases than not yields no results. I have continued to keep my profiles up and respond if someone messages but for now I’m going to step back from being so aggressive about it.

So you guys get a nilla blog post! I’ll try not to bore you too much…

I had a trea5346_10200649083124542_1830677357_ndmill on layaway at Sears for oh, about the last three months and I’ve finally paid it off. Huzzah! So the delivery guys came yesterday and set it up. It’s b-e-a-utiful. I already have a love/hate relationship with it, haha! My goal is to get on it every single day.

My family is planning a huge trip to Florida at the end of September for 996165_10200649084404574_1357346041_nmy mom’s 50th birthday. So the goal is to lost 60 pounds before then. It’s totally do-able. I just have to exercise my cute butt off until then. I’ll be weighing in once every 2 weeks (the goal every weigh-in being 7.5lbs) and I think I’ll update this blog every now and again with my progress. I’ve tried (like most overweight adults) my entire life to lose the weight so I have little faith in this but I also have high hopes.

And this week I was inadvertently put in charge of “potluck day” at work. So on Wednesday it’s Mexican potluck time and I’m bringing fruit salsa with cinnamon-sugar pita chips. It’s my first time making it but it sounds delish. Bought the fruit today – raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, kiwi, and apples. It sounds so good I want to make it for dinner but I’ll hold off until the potluck. 😉

Just click on t829527he food porn photo to the left if you’d like to visit the recipe. Keep in mind that I haven’t actually made or tasted it yet but it seems to have great reviews.

Moving on, I’ve been catching up on my True Blood all week-end in preparation for the awesome-ness that is going to be the Season Six Premiere. I’ll admit – this show jumped the shark long ago (was it ever really “normal” though?) but I just can’t give it up. I love-love-love Eric. And Alcide. And Eric/Alcide. If they could both Dom me in character I could die a happy woman. I mean, fuck.

So True Blood is on my TV lately but another epic series has been on my night stand. I just yesterday finished A Game of Thrones which took me over a month. And this coming from a gal who can literally finish a typical novel-length book a day if it suits her. A Game of Thrones was lengthy, descriptive, detailed, epic, and great. I seriously enjoyed it. The slow read was actually quite refreshing. I usually finish books so quickly that I don’t have much time to enjoy them. After finishing, I read a short romance just to make me feel all fluffy before starting A Clash of Kings. I guess the message here is – definitely go read these books. Even if you are a huge romance novel reader (like me) you are going to love them. And if not, let me know what you didn’t like. I’m always up for book discussion.

And before I let you guys go I’ll leave you with a question. I am thinking about getting another tattoo (I have three so far) soon. I either want Mary Poppins silhouette behind my ear/on my upper neck…OR the words ‘Laugh’ and ‘Love’ on either wrist. For those who have gotten tattoos in these spots, what is the pain like? I have one of my tattoos on my front shoulder a bit lower than my collar bone. The other is on my back shoulder and the third is on my lower calf (not quite as low as my ankle.)

That’s all I have for today… I hope I didn’t bore you guys too much. 😉

This blog is not to become solely vanilla, so no worries there. But if I step back and look at myself I see so many things. I see a daughter, a sister, a friend. A girl, a bird, a kink-monster. If you look at a diamond in the sun, it’s so multi-faceted. Like a million tiny little mirrors all reflecting off each other. Every piece of me is different and yet –the same.

Hope everyone has a fabulous week.




True Submission?

I wanted to post a response I had to someone who messaged me trying to tell me that I don’t know what true submission is. We had been messaging back and forth a bit. It had been obvious that what he is looking for is a TPE and/or domestic discipline type of relationship. All I said was that the TPE/domesticity wasn’t my cuppa. He responded with, “Hmm…seems like you are into rough, kinky sex and not true submission.”

Sorry, huh?? Just because my ideas of submission don’t gel with the type of girl you want means I am not a sub? Does that make sense to you?

Here’s my response:

I think you are aware that submission comes in many different forms. I enjoy submitting sexually but I’m not looking for a TPE. I don’t want someone else making my decisions for me: what I wear, eat, etc. I believe that I’m my own person and I want to learn from my own mistakes.

That in no way means that I don’t enjoy being disciplined for behaving badly so long as it stays “in the bedroom,” so to speak. I also enjoy domestic activities such as cooking, baking, organizing, DIY projects, etc. But I want those things to be something I choose to do. If I’m being forced to do these things every day, I would stop enjoying them so much.

It’s true – I do enjoy rough, kinky sex. I’m not too shy to admit that. But I am also naturally submissive. I like making people happy and seeing them smile. And in bed, I like pleasing a man. I enjoy doing (most) things that he enjoys because he derives pleasure from it. Ideally, submission means putting everything I have into the hands of another and trusting him to take me where I need to go. Even if I had no clue I needed to go there. But with that being said, some subs enjoy submitting this way both in life/bed, just in bed, and sometimes just in life (there are slaves/subs used solely for domestic purposes.) I enjoy submitting only in bed. I completely respect those who can have a successful TPE but that life isn’t something I want for myself.

I’m a bit insulted by your insinuation that I have no idea what submission is. Because the thing is, the definition of true submission will vary depending on the sub you talk to. And that’s one beautiful thing of D/s. It means something different to everyone. It doesn’t fit into a nice neat column.

But to answer your question in short: No, I’m not only into rough, kinky sex. I have always defined myself as a sub and will continue to do so.”

Ugh… just had to get that out there. I don’t want to throw stones but how can someone call themselves Dominant and not realize that submission comes in different forms? I’m a little frustrated by this.


So of course he responded to this message.

“One of you last emails goes on about being independent and wanting to be independent, which by definition contradicts submissive, no?? I think you are just fairly new to the lifestyle and not quite sure what you want.”

“I don’t think that wanting to be independent has anything at all to do with submission. A submissive doesn’t have to rely on her Dom for everything. I’ve been involved in this lifestyle for over seven years. I know what I want. Just because it doesn’t gel with what you want doesn’t mean I don’t know what submission means or that I’m new to the lifestyle. Let’s not beat a dead horse and just agree to disagree on the matter and definition of submission, mmk?”

“I was hesitant because f your age and I was right. I have been your age and appreciate your viewpoint…but it will take time fr you to appreciate mine.”

“I talked to one of my former students yesterday.  She reminds me a lot of what youhave portrayed about yourself.  Was never attracted to her, but I like seeing her successful after giving her some guidance.”

Okay, it’s official. This guy thinks I’m straight stupid. Trying to tell me that because of my age I don’t understand real submission and that I will understand when I get older. HUH?! I’m sorry but last time I checked I didn’t just fall off the back of the turnip truck. I have been involved in the lifestyle for over seven years, despite my age. And guess what? I will NEVER appreciate your view of submission. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t understand it. But I will never appreciate it and it will never be my view of submission.

And then that second thing he sent? Saying that one of his “former students” reminds him of me. But he was “never attracted to her” and “his guidance” helped her become successful. Whoa this guy crossed so many lines with me. I wanted so badly to message back but I am just going to delete the messages and take the high road here.

You know, I just think it’s funny because he says I have no idea what submission is and yet he wants to control his future subs duties around the house, etc. and says he’s not into TPE. Yah, okay, buddy.

I posted the first half of this blog post on another site I belong to and I received a wonderful message. The Dom who messaged me shared with me this fabulous analogy: “I always like to remind people that Submissive’s are like apples, grapes, oranges, pears etc. They are all different yet still all fruit :)”

Thank you, Sir! The above sums up completely what took me this entire blog post to illustrate. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It’s one of the things I absolutely adore about the BDSM lifestyle. We are different people with different kinks/fetishes/likes/theories. And yet we all want the same thing: happiness with a partner(s) who complete the missing pieces inside of us.

I do realize this post was totally all over the place. But what is a blog for if not for venting, right guys?

In other news, I shopped at the flea market with a girlfriend today and came home with a Meatloaf CD. It was hot hot hot this week-end on the east coast! How did everyone else fare this week-end?

Till later –


PS – I still hold out hope that one day I’ll be updating this blog with news that I had a good experience with a guy/Dom! LOL. Keep the faith, readers!

Game of Thrones: BDSM Fun


Hi all. Hope everyone had a good Memorial Day week-end. I know I did, nothing better than a BBQ with family, love it.

I thought I would take a few moments tonight to do a fun entry. I love Game of Thrones (I’m about 1/2way through the first book and it’s really great, I love it.) and I got this idea from a post in one of the groups I belong to. So these are the GoT characters I would play with.


First up on the list: Jaime Lannister. Touch-a, touch-a, touch me! Jaime is damn fine, especially since S2 onward. I would love nothing more than to be fully dominated by this character. I feel like he would be quite evil and I’m sure he’s a bit of a sadist. I don’t define as a masochist but he can hurt me as long as he puts me back together afterward. Yum…


Ah and secondly: the beautiful Daenerys Targaryen. Everyone who watches GoT has a huge crush on Dany. She’s gorgeous… I don’t know if I could see myself submitting to her but I would love to have a steamy vanilla thing goin’ on with her.

278997-jon-snow-of-game-of-thrones-kit-harrington-talks-about-girlfrie And then finally we come to a couple of my major fun time crushes. Jon Snow, holla…. Even in the book I love him (though I wish the characters in the books were a little older than they’re portrayed…) Jon Snow is sexy, independent, a little mysterious, and eager to please.

YgritteAnd to our right: Ygritte, Jon’s girlfriend. She’s fierce, loyal, feisty, an fun. Plus her accent is sexy as Hell. I would love having a threesome with these two. I can think of plenty of dirty things the three of us could have done in that cave. I don’t think I would have ever wanted to leave though.

You know nothing, Jon Snow. Her mouth needs to go here…

But I digress.

So now you know. I’m obsessed with Game of Thrones. Are you obsessed? Which Game of Thrones characters would you make sexy time with?

I leave you with pictures of Jon and Ygritte’s time in the cave…